


No Slipping Up (If You Slip Away)

by Random_Fandom_writer



Series: These Broken Parts [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Cynthia makes a cameo, Evan angst, Heidi Hansen Tries, I hate how i love to see him hurt, I love Heidi Hansen, Jared is in pain, M/M, My poor babies, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, You guys asked for this, aftermath of suicide, and death, for like two second, hop on the angst train, on an unrelated note, so is Connor, stay safe my dudes, they all are
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-12
Updated: 2019-05-12
Packaged: 2020-02-29 22:10:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18787219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Random_Fandom_writer/pseuds/Random_Fandom_writer
Summary: Connor had never been angrier.Although this time, he's angry at himself, because he knows that he's a reason. And now the soft and warm boy he once knew is being lowered in the ground while Connor is left alone. That should make him mad. He should be fucking furious, and he wants nothing more than to be angry with Evan, but he knows it's wrong. He just wants someone other than himself to blame.Or...The aftermath of Evans suicide.





	No Slipping Up (If You Slip Away)

**Author's Note:**

> Please read the first work in this series or else it wont make much sense. 
> 
> Anyways, a couple of you asked for a continuation and I answered. I really hope you like this one!
> 
> Trigger Warnings: Anxiety/anxiety attacks, depression, suicide, suicidal thoughts, strong language, vomit, self harm.
> 
> Please stay safe, and be wary of these triggers.

Evan thinks the worst part is that he doesn't die immediately.

He thought that maybe if he was lucky, he'd snap his neck right off the bat, going out just as he lived. Quick, pitiful, and slightly disgusting.

But of course that's not what happens, because nothing ever seems to go right with him. Even something as simple as killing himself.

***

He hits the ground, his bones giving a sickening crack, and wills for his vision to go black.

It doesn't.

Instead, everything goes blurry, and the _pain._ It's worse than Evan ever could have imagined. A screech gets caught in his throat, the sound never leaving his lips. His chest is compressed, and with every bating breath, he feels as if his ribcage is being pulled apart. Evan gasps, his whole body shivering, each jerk more painful than the last.

Everything hurts, and Evan thinks ' _this is exactly the thing I'm trying to get away from.'_

***

He can still see.

Everything's a little cloudy, and the beat of his heart paired with a loud ringing in his ears renders his hearing useless, but he can see. He can also see that nobody is coming to get him.

Evan doubts that they've even noticed he's gone. _'Just like last time.'_   He lets out a sad little laugh, regretting it immediately as his chest constricts painfully.

It's nice out, he notices. And although the sun is shining, a slight chill settles in Evans bones. Or maybe that's not from the breeze. 

He's too tired to tell.

He's really fucking tired.

So he gives into the sleep, letting the darkness pull him under.

 

* * *

 

It takes a day until they notice. And another 24 hours to actually find him.

That's 48 hours. 2880 minutes.

 

* * *

 

Heidi works too much for her own good. She knows that, everyone knows that. She never thought she'd have to face a consequence for it.

Heidi walks in the door, immediately collapsing on the couch. She'd just worked a twelve hour shift, then went straight to her classes with no time in between.

She barely makes it to her bed before she falls asleep.

***

"Evan." Heidi says the next morning, calling to him as she slips on her shoes. "Ev, honey I'm leaving for work."

Nothing.

She sighs, looking at the clock to see if she could spare a few minutes to talk, groaning as she realizes she's already running late. "Ok, I'll see you tonight, I promise." And with that, she's gone.

 ***

Jared notices sooner, when he walks into the school and realizes the absence of a certain blond haired boy waiting at his locker.

"Hey, where's tree boy?" He saunters over to Alana and the Murphy's, folding his arms.

"We thought you'd know."

Jared frowns at that, pulling out his phone and shooting him a stream of texts.

Jared: why arent u at school

Jared: break the other arm from jacking off 2 much? ;)

Jared: ? ? ? ? ?

Jared: why arent u picking up???

Jared: u dead?

Jared: fine

Jared: ignore me bitch

He pockets his phone as the bell rings, promising himself to text him more at lunch.

Needless to say, he doesn't text him again that day.

***

Connors nail polish is completely chipped off, (A nervous habit he had adopted) which is a shame because he just painted them yesterday.

He hates how worried he is because _'It shouldn't even matter anymore.'_

***

Alana promises to bring him his homework from their shared classes. 

***

Zoe's unphased. ~~~~She feels a little bad for being unworried because _'he's probably just sick guys,'_ and pretends that they don't all know that Evan never misses school.

***

Heidi walks in the door at half past eleven.

"Evan? I'm home."

She frowns as silence meets her once again.

Heidi climbs the stairs, hesitating outside of Evans closed bedroom door. She pushes it open, slightly puzzled to find it empty. The bed is make neatly- _'Evan never makes his bed.'_

It's then when she notices a folded sheet of paper sitting innocently on the pillow.

The scream that follows is unearthly.

 

* * *

 

It takes a day of searching until the police find his body.

They say it was the internal bleeding that killed him, which means that he'd been lying there for hours at least until he ~~finally~~  passed.

They all try not to think about how alone he was in those hours.

 

* * *

 

Jared is the first to hear the news. It's only fair, as he was Evans oldest friend. He decided to ixnay the 'family' part.  

***

He was doing his homework like a good student, phone neglected and off to the side, his promise to text Evan later long forgotten.

That doesn't stop him from perking up when his phone starts to ring, his shoulders relaxing as he notices the caller ID is coming from the Hansen's landline phone.

"Hey Acorn, where were you today? Connor looked like a lost puppy without you." There's a long silence and Jared has to check and make sure the line hadn't gone dead.

"...It's Heidi." Her voice sounds weirdly breathy.

"Oh. Well Evan's not here right now if-" A sudden sob from the other line cuts him off and Jared's smile disappears. She's sobbing full force now, and Jared can't help but fear a tinge of fear because _'this is Heidi fucking Hansen'_ and Jared has not once seen her cry in his years of knowing her.

"I'm s-orry Jared I'm s-o sor-ry." Her words are hiccupy and Jared wonders if she's hyperventilating. The though of that makes him slightly dizzy.

"It's Evan."

Jared immediately pales, and he cups the receiver closer to his ear if that's even possible. He takes a few deep breaths before he responds. "What happened?" He's surprised at how steady he keeps his voice.

***

It's not until he sets down his phone that the tears come.

And when they do...

Because nothing prepared him for this. He didn't know, _'how could I not have known?'_   Deep, heaving sobs that rack his whole body overtake him, and he throws his glasses off his face to scrub at his eyes.

The lenses shatter, just like him.

He can't breath. Jared vaguely wonders if this is what a panic attack feels like. He feels horror at the fact that Evan probably ~~_has_~~ had to go through this more often than not. His stomach tightens uncomfortably, and suddenly he’s dry heaving into the wastebasket sitting next to his bed. Although the pain doesn't stop. It worsens. The taste of blood joins the taste of bile as his teeth bite down on his lips, and he _still can't breath._

It takes close to an hour for his breathing to regulate again. He feels numb, and tired, and sore, his stomach still raw and uneasy.

He thinks maybe this is how Evan felt.

***

Connor is next.

Zoe finds out shortly after as she runs to his room after hearing him scream.

She hugs him to her chest tightly to prevent his arms from flying out as he hyperventilates and chokes out almost discernible sentences. She nods along and pretends to understand, holding back tears herself as he tells Zoe for the third time in a row that he wants to die.

Connor finally gets the appeal of scratching.

***

Zoe's sobs are repressed, like she doesn't want anyone to notice her crying, but her scalp burns red as her hands yank harder on the delicate strands of hair.

***

Alana is the opposite. She's not afraid to be seen crying, and she makes sure everyone knows that Evan was a very close acquaintance of hers. Her throat burns every time she says it, but she can't bring herself to say the word friend.

The skin around her fingers are bloody. She doesn't even notice she'd been peeling the skin back.

She washes the dried blood off her fingers and simply carries on plastering posters for suicide prevention on the hallway walls.

 

* * *

 

The Murphy's offer to pay for the funeral, and Heidi had never refused something quicker because _'I can fucking pay for my own sons funeral thanks.'_

That's what she wanted to say anyways. In reality, she grinds her teeth, politely shakes her head no and offers a weak smile to a worn down Cynthia.

***

Connor had never been angrier.

Although this time, he's angry at himself, because he _knows_ that he's a reason. And now the soft and warm boy he once knew is being lowered in the ground while Connor is left alone. That should make him mad. He should be fucking furious, and he wants nothing more than to be angry with Evan, but he knows it's wrong. He just wants someone other than himself to blame.

The sad truth is that Evan isn't his anymore, and hasn't been for a while.

Connor doesn't know if that makes it better or worse.

He scratches roughly at his wrists and spends the entire funeral seconds away from tears.

***

Jared can't help but feel like it was his fault. At least a little bit, because he spent _years_ taunting and hurting him. And he _knew_ it was bad, and he _knew_ he should stop, but he didn't.

He'll never have the closure of knowing.

He wants to throw up again. It'd be useless as he hadn't touched food in days. Instead, he locks himself in the bathroom until the reception is over.

***

Zoe feels dizzy. Her head pounds as she leans against the wall, Alana's arm wrapped around her waist in an awkward side hug. They both cry silently together.

Connor yelled at her this morning, and she still remembers the fear she felt. A fear she hasn't felt in a long time. Not since Evan. Though she supposes those days are over.

The thought only makes her cry harder.

She thinks she could have done something, because she knew he was hurting. But she stood by and watched, blinded by anger. Too busy defending Connor to notice something was seriously wrong. Maybe if she wasn't so aggrieved she could have done something.

 _'Too late now I guess.'_  

***

Alana clutches to Zoe throughout the funeral, acting as her lifeline.

She doesn't think she mattered enough to him to be a reason.

 

* * *

 

Zoe stops breathing when she walks in on Connor with a razor held to his wrist.

Connor is a deer in the headlights as she rushes forward and throws it as far as she can get it, draping herself around Connors skinny frame. The sobs she tries to stifle in his shirt are forever burned in his mind. He can't find it in him to be angry with her for barging in _'-and ruining it-' ._ He can't find himself to feel anything. Not anymore.

He's such a fucking hypocrite.

 

* * *

 

At sixteen, Evan Hansen met Connor Murphy.

(Not so) Coincidentally, it was the same year when his world went from black to bright.

He was seventeen when it went black again.

Permanently.

**Author's Note:**

> I woke up in a cold sweat in the middle of the night to write this because I got so much inspiration. I wasn't even planning on doing a second part, at least not soon, but here we are.
> 
> Anyways, I feed off of validation, so please comment and leave a kudos if you liked it.


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